Returning to Yourself
Returning to Yourself - Finding Freedom from Expectations & Becoming You
“Nothing can dim the light that shines from within.” Maya Angelou
“It felt as if your light was gone...” my mother said with tears in her eyes, “...and now, finally, you are back“. She hugged me, and I hugged her back, feeling a huge weight lifting off my shoulders. I was about 30 years old, struggling to put my life back together after years of being on automatic pilot and simply drifting away, slowly disappearing. Hearing this sentence was a turning point for me, an eye opener, a huge Aha! moment. It finally sunk in how all this time I had been unconsciously trying to please others, while forgetting who I was. But, to please who? And why did I need to please anyone?
In my case, it was my mother, my partners, my teachers, my bosses, my friends. It was my way of securing their love for me - or so I thought. It has taken me years, multiple therapies, and turning my life upside down to realize I suffered from terrible low self-esteem and a destructive dose of perfectionism. And I’m not talking about the I’m-a-perfectionist-so-you-should-hire-me type. But rather the one that leaves you paralized, filled with shame and suffering because no matter what you do, or how much you try, you never feel good enough.
And I was not alone.
Social media is pushing us towards this unattainable belief of a “perfect” life that doesn’t really exist. These days, young people in the US report 20% more compared to their parents and grandparents that being materially rich is one of their most important life goals. And most of us still hold on to the thought that “nothing is out of reach for those who want it bad enough.”
Unfortunately that’s not true.
Today’s society preys on our insecurities while it amplifies our imperfections. That sense of being a failure which leads us to believe we are flawed, that in return makes us question our worthiness. And as a result, cases of depression and anxiety are on the rise, eating disorders and loneliness, along with many other mental problems have skyrocketed.
The truth is that, contrary to popular belief, perfectionism is not our ally, but one of our biggest enemies. Because we are not trying to perfect a task or a thing or striving for excellence. We are trying to perfect our beautiful, flawed, imperfect self. And we believe that once we do it, then we’ll be worth something. It’s time we realize that this will never happen because it’s a vicious infinite cycle, and in turn, our usually already low self-esteem is further hurt.
And on the contrary, we are already worthy of everything - of love, of success, of happiness, simply because we exist. We are worthy, because we are exactly who we are, as we are. And that’s what I finally understood that day.
My light didn’t come from my success, from my career or all the goals that I had achieved. My light didn’t come because I performed better than someone else, or looked the way I wanted to. My light, like Maya Angelou reminds me, comes from within. And there is nothing external that can ever dim it.
So I decided to keep working on myself, learning how to love me just as I am, to develop self-compassion and to realize there is no one thing outside of me that can make me happy. Because true happiness needs nothing else than my unique being. True happiness is each one's personal light. How bright we shine is fueled by how much we love who we are.
As Brene Brown says:
“If we want to experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.”
So, while I grew up assuming what other people wanted from me, mistakenly believing I had to achieve those expectations to belong, to be loved, I became a chameleon. Adopting multiple personalities, depending on who I was with. I had created my own expectations based on messed up assumptions. And as I began to lose everything I had worked for, I felt all my worth slowly drifting away.
Thankfully, that experience forced me to stop seeking approval externally, because I knew I was never going to be happy if I wasn’t able to look at myself at the mirror and heartily appreciate what I saw. Only unconditional love for myself would give me the strength to look fearlessly within, connect to my truth and acknowledge my deepest dreams and desires. And the decisions I made would answer to my own personal dharma.
Reconnecting to oneself is not an easy task, nor a fast one, but it’s an incredible journey of growth. And living in coherence between our values, our thoughts and actions leads us to a happy fulfilling life. One filled with purpose and meaning where we can use our passions and strengths, and strive.
Along my journey I use many different tools, depending on where I am at in my life. Meditation, yoga, dancing, journaling are some of them. It’s about finding the right fit for my needs at a specific moment.
So how about you? What do you do to return to yourself, to harness your personal power?
I’d love to share and invite you to try another tool I use - a combination of visualization and journaling. Ready?
Here it goes:
Stand in front of a mirror and stare at your eyes, your face, your body with open curiosity, without judgement, simply acknowledging what you see.
Take deep breaths while doing so. Observe as many details as possible. Try this for 5-10 minutes.
Afterwards sit down to write a love letter to yourself. Write about your experience while answering the following questions:
What do you love about your body?
What do you love about yourself as a person?
Set a timer for 15 minutes and write anything that comes up, no judgement, simple awareness and loving interest.
I hope you enjoy this exercise and that it contributes to your happiness journey and I would love to hear about how it went. If you have any questions please do not hesitate in reaching out to me. The journey of self-love and self-compassion can be intimidating, exhausting and scary, but having hit rock bottom and rising stronger from it, I can tell you it is absolutely worth it.
Love and light,
Stef
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